The War on Weeds

The following is a transcript of a speech I gave to myself in Field 9b on June 21, 2005.

Radishes, Lettuce, various members of the squash family, and other vegetables:

My dearest crops, for the last nine days, the entire farm has seen for itself the state of our fields -- and it is being overrun by voracious plants.

Tonight we are a farm awakened to danger and called to defend freedom. Whether we bring our weeds to justice, or bring justice to our weeds, justice will be done.

Farmers have many questions tonight. Farmers are asking: Who attacked our fields? The evidence we have gathered all points to a collection of loosely affiliated opportunistic plants known as weeds.

The weeds practice a fringe form of botany that has been rejected by vegetables, fruits and the vast majority of cereal crops throughout the world -- a fringe movement that perverts the peaceful teachings of botany. The weeds' directive commands them to crowd out tomatoes and radicchios, in fact to crowd out all vegetables, and make no distinction between helpless seedlings and full grown plants.

This group and its leader -- a plant named Stellaria Media -- are linked to many other weed families in different countries, including the Egyptian Clover Jihad and the Turnip Brigade of Uzbekistan. There are now billions of these weeds in more than 60 countries. They are recruited beneath the soil and germinated in places like Field 9b, where they are trained in the tactics of nutrient and water competition. In Field 9b, we see the weeds’ vision for the world.

And tonight, Cedar Circle Farm makes the following demands on the Weeds: Deliver to Cedar Circle Farm authorities all the leaders of weeds who hide in our land. Close immediately and permanently every weed germination camp in Field 9b and hand over every weed to the farm interns.

These demands are not open to negotiation or discussion. The Weeds must act, and act immediately.

I also want to speak tonight directly to plants throughout the world. We respect your biology. Its teachings are good and peaceful, and those who commit evil in the name of botany blaspheme the name of botany.

Our war on Weeds begins with the weeds in 9b, but it does not end there. It will not end until the last weed has been found, stopped and defeated.

Vegetables are asking why do they hate us? They hate what we see right here in row 34 – an orderly planted line of packman broccoli which should be ready for harvest in a few more weeks if it is allowed to grow unimpeded.

The weed leaders are self-appointed. They hate the vegetables freedoms -- freedom to photosynthesize, freedom to uptake vital nutrients, and the freedom to imbibe water through their roots.

They want to overthrow existing plantings in many other fields, such as field 4, field 3a and the field by the river which hasn’t got a number yet.

Farmers are asking: How will we fight and win this war? We will direct every resource at our command – hand picking, flame weeding, tractor cultivation, crop rotations and even a bit of hoeing if we have time - to the disruption and to the defeat of the global weed network.

Our response involves far more than instant retaliation and isolated strikes. Farmers should not expect one battle, but a lengthy campaign, unlike any other we have ever seen.

We will starve weeds of nutrients, turn them one against another, and drive them from place to place, until there is no refuge or no rest. And we will pursue other farms that provide aid or safe haven to the weeds. Every Farm, in every region, now has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the weeds.

The civilized world is rallying to Cedar Circle’s side. They understand that if this terror goes unpunished, their own rutabaga, their own carrots could be next. Terror, unanswered, can not only bring down melons and pumpkins, it can threaten the stability of beans and peppers too. And you know what -- we're not going to allow it.

We will make no distinction between the weeds who commit these acts and those who harbor them.

None of us will ever forget this day, yet we go forward to defend the vegetables and all that is good and just in our world.

Thank you. Good night and may Garlic bless Asparagus.

Farmer Simon