Portland is considered one of the most livable cities in the country. Why then does my stuff keep getting stolen. Two months ago my bike was stolen from inside my apartment building and today some ruffians absconded with my car.

I called my parents to tell them and they both laughed hysterically. They have seen my car and refused to ride in it last time they came to visit. Yes the Escortia is a complete piece of shit, but it runs fine. Focusing on it's cosmetic defects would be superficial and shallow.

If you live in the greater Portland area please be on the lookout for a group of drunk teenagers riding around in a '91 maroon Ford Escort. I want my car back and please tell them without a poo in the back seat.

On to more important things. Restaurant life. Only two months into this new career and my back is already starting to tell me to pick another profession. But I'm having fun and really enjoy it still. I have learned so many things.

Orange is the decaf.

Whipped cream good.

There are two major hazards in the kitchen.

Hot

and Sharp


Hot is worse than Sharp

This is not called a squeezy thingy.

It's called a pastry bag.

You use the pastry bag to squeeze out sweet delicious things. Whipped cream and also cannoli filing. I get to make the desserts in the Italian restaurant. Actually someone else makes them, but I do put them on plates and make them look nice.

Prep Cook Confidential.


This is a picture of a nude bike ride I went on in June. The world's biggest nude bike ride. Coincidentally I happened to be riding at exactly the same speed as that girl on the right for almost forty-five minutes.

So last week I asked the cooks at the Italian restaurant I work at what the most disgusting thing was that they've ever put in anyone's food. No boogers or dingleberries from these guys, but one of them had an interesting response.

"Never put anything nasty in anyone's food, but at a restaurant I used to work at the chefs used to fatten up the annoying servers."

They don't call them waiters or waitresses anymore (I guess it's just too demeaning and of course server sounds so much more respectful and empowering). Anyway it turns out that the pain in the ass servers would be given meals with extra high portions of fatty foods whenever they ordered anything from the kitchen. Apparently it worked and a few poor souls were unknowningly plumped up.

Although I am still a neophyte to this whole restaurant thing in both of the places I work I definitely sense a tension between the front of the house (servers and bussers) and the back of the house (chefs and knife lackeys like myself). I guess it makes sense. If the food doesn't come out perfect the servers have to deal with the consequences and will make lesss tips. If the servers mess up orders and change things around then the cooks end up with extra work. And while working in both the front and the back at my two current jobs I am beginning to see both sides of this story. What I do know though is that in both the front and the back people are working their asses off. I have never worked so hard in my life for such long periods of time without even stopping for five minutes to take a break.

The thing that confuses me the most though is the huge discrepancy in pay scales between servers and cooks. Most of the guys in the kitchen have been to cooking school for two years (at $20k/year) and come out earning $10-12/hour. These guys are amazingly knowledgeable and skilled at what they do. The servers, some of whom may have been doing it for years, can sometimes make 3 or 4 times that amount. It just doesn't make sense. Yeah it takes skill to be a good server and know about wines etc, but cooks should be making more.

Last Summer I started a regular blog feature called RECIPE CORNER. I think it could be time to bring it back again. Here it is, straight from the kitchens of Portland, Pencil Penne.

RECIPE CORNER #3 - Pencil Penne

Boil four quarts of water in a large pot. When boiling add one pound of penne pasta and salt. Pasta water should taste like the sea. Mediterranean Sea not Dead Sea.

Cover bottom of frying pan with olive oil and when hot add two finely minced shallots. After two minutes add one cup of white wine (please don't substitute wine cooler). Simmer until wine has reduced by half.

When done, remove pasta and drain in a colander. Don't rinse with water and wash off all the starchy goodness. Put penne in a large bowl.

Pour shallots over pasta and add 1/3 cup of grated parmesan cheese.

Now for the final touches. Drizzle about 3 tablespoons of Pepto Bismol (Walgreens generic version also works fine)and then sharpen about one third of a number two pencil on top of pasta and toss. Season with salt and pepper and serve immediately.

I've found that grittiness of the pencil sharpenings really meld well with the softness of the shallots creating a simple, but truly wonderful summer dish.